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| Happily ever, after we split |
| Happily ever, after we split
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| UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
, 6-June-2012
8:24:9 AM |
| My husband and I starting talking divorce at my friend Sara's wedding. It was May in the Hamptons. Standing before the crashing Atlantic in her strapless gown, my friend looked vulnerable yet serene, as if she knew this man would always hold back the tide. Sara's bridegroom read his vows, shivering a little as he promised to always listen, to make her goals his goals, to constantly improve his mind to remain interesting to her.
I sat on a folding chair, huddled under my husband's suit jacket, looking from the marrying couple to the man I had married. We didn't write our own vows, but if we had, my husband wouldn't have made those promises.
I wasn't really comparing my marriage to my friends' wedding. A wedding is the cherry atop the dreamy early days. Marriage combined with work and parenthood can be a romance-eroding machine, especially if you have a rambunctious toddler who climbs every refrigerator, parking meter and child-safety gate he sees.
I was comparing the gap between what my husband and I want from marriage and the compatibility of my friends' expectations. Because having a shared vision for marriage does matter.
After the ceremony, I slumped against one of the dunes along the shore. My husband sat down next to me. "You know," I said, kicking off my sandals and staring toward the distant sun. "What are we doing? Why are we still doing this?"
He gazed toward the water. He wasn't expecting me to suggest divorce during our romantic wedding weekend, but he wasn't shocked, either.
We had been discussing our incompatibilities for years. We met at a book party in 2000 and were immediately attracted to each other and to certain aspects of each other's personality. But while I yearn for a deeply united, soul-mate-style connection, he wants something looser, more independent, less enmeshed.
This difference created friction almost immediately; still, we wanted our romance to last. We took a Calvinist approach to our union,
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